A Three Step Process To Better Listening

Lately—okay, constantly—I think about what effective leadership looks like. There are so many theories, so many formulas, and so many definitions of exceptional—or even just good—leadership. Yet, leadership looks different for everyone. As a coach, I work with people who have titles that make it clear they are in leadership positions. I also work with people who don’t think of themselves as leaders, but in many ways, they are. And I also work with people who have no interest at all in becoming leaders—some due to misconceptions about what it really means to be a leader, and some because they just don’t want to. And that is absolutely fine.

That being said, there are three practices that I think everyone can do, which will make them exude qualities that every good leader should have. The word practice in this framework is important—these aren’t things that we get right on the first time, second time, or even after a lifetime. But, they are practices we can work towards embodying, and they are oh so simple. Listening. Reflection. Action. Let’s dig in a little deeper.

Listening: I have written a lot about listening. It is a true skillset, one that requires both a genuine desire to do well at it, an immense amount of patience, and a hefty dose of humility. To become a great listener, you need to want to be a great listener. It means re-framing your mindset to think that something someone else has to say is important, and valuable, and to really, really, believe that. It requires patience—many of us know what it’s like to listen to someone go on, and on, and on. But creating space for that speaker to share what is on their mind and what they believe, is a tremendous gift. And finally, humility. We must believe that someone else is just as important as us. Whether or not they know more than us, what they say is just as important as what we say. And that, is a tough pill for many of us to swallow. What listening allows us to do is to hear a perspective of someone else—whether we are leading a team at work, understanding what our partner needs from us, or anything else—listening brings us directly into the next practice.

Reflection: We can listen all day long, but we need to create space for ourselves to step back and think about what we have heard. To start—if we are not sure what we have heard, we need to go back, ask for clarification, and then come back to this step of the process. To start, think about what the person said, as well as what they didn’t say. What were they asking for? Many people just want to be heard. In which case, telling them: I hear you can be a tremendous gift. Many want action, which we’ll get to next. Some are looking for help, so stepping back to think about—what can I do to help this person? would be the focus of your reflection. Take the time to reflect on any important conversation, so you can move into the next practice.

Action: If you have listened to your team, reflected on what they have said, and clarified anything you need to, it is time to act. Now, as a listener, leader, whatever you are—your action might very well be coming back to the team and saying: I absolutely heard you (and reflect back some of the things you heard, so they know this is true), I’ve thought about it, and I’m going to move forward in a different direction. That is okay! At the end of the day, most people feel good about any process as long as they are heard and their opinions have been validated. If it is your partner, and you learn through listening and reflection that you need to do something differently to be better to them, you better start to act. No matter what, after you listen and reflect, take the time to go back to the speaker, and share what you have learned and what you are going to do next—whether it is doing nothing at all, or taking a big, bold step into a new direction.